Telephone Wars

I remember being a small child and being so excited to hear the phone ring. I was so excited when my mom allowed me to answer it. I quickly learned, of course, of the dreaded telemarketing calls.

Considering my 3 year stint with no home phone, and very few cell phone telemarketers, I had forgotten how fucking annoying telemarketers were. Now, without caller ID (which the bastards at AT&T would charge me for)I have to assume that a call incoming is one from friends, family, etc. This of course is only the case 25% of the time.

So, just about 10 minutes ago, my phone rang. Im in the process of getting ready to take a nice hot shower so I'm half out of my clothing. Then that fucking phone begins to ring. Pants half way back up I fumble downstairs (after all this could be like my mother calling about christmas). I search for a good two rings until I see the phone on the kitchen table. I breathlessly answer. The lady on the other end says "CONGRATULATIONS MRS. LOW ERR OOD! YOU HAVE WON...." I didn't get past that point. I interrupted. "I'm sorry this isn't Mrs. Low err ood, can you please hold?" I then come back up stairs and think I must post my bitching about the telemarketers prior to said shower. Wait...she's still on hold. DAMMIT HOW RUDE OF ME. But not quite rude enough. Next time I must have a better plan. Suggestions? Anyone?

Finally

After a few (very very long) months...I finally have the internet back! Thus I have the loverly ability to blog once more. Isn't everyone just happy? good! I shall keep this blog brief as it is bordering on dawn and the zzz's are calling.

I am no longer a student. Apparently nursing is not my thing, I may or may not discuss this in length later. This of course means that a good percentage of my blogs with be bitching about the life of a retail drone (huzzah!).

My brain is mush at this hour after doing the whole drone thing for most of the night so I can't think of anything to entertain my rapt readers (hmmm what ever happened to him...) So for now I bid all adieu with the promise of more wakeful and entertaining blogs to come.

You all missed me...admit it.

Pointless

School is beginning to drive me mad and I'm only a week and a half in. I have a test on Thursday you see and it is the most bull shitted thing I think I have ever seen. As a nusing student I expect to learn about the care of patients. But this stuff is major common sense and or totally pointless. For instance one of the main points I have to study is the "History of Nursing" so I have to know what you know, happened in the times before Christ, during the reformation, Etc. BULLSHIT. Somehow I don't think that all applies to real life situations. If I have a patient ask me to give him pain medication I'm not going to respond "You know, in the early 1900s they would have bled you for this". Please.
As for the common sense portion there are definitions such as. Justice: To treat a patient justly. WOW, THANKS, THAT HELPS ME SOOOOOO MUCH I NEVER KNEW THAT BEFORE!! My other favorite is the entire two pages that describes a DNR order (do not resuscitate). It explains that if a person comes into a hospital and is not able to speak (is unconscious) then you are to err on the side of life (ie if they cant talk, do not assume there is a DNR). REALLY? I thought you should err on the side of death, you know, just watch em die and do nothing.
Additionally there are step by step pages describing how to clean a person with a wash rag. Which is OK I suppose until you get to the portion about cleaning the pubic area. And I quote "while cleaning the penis, first pull back the foreskin (if applicable) and rinse gently. If penis becomes, or is, erect, finish procedure at a later time." EWWWWWWWWWW. Thanks, now I have to think about old nasty sick people getting a chubby. (tee hee chubby).
OK, I've vented I think. I just can't wait till I'm actually doing things. OOOoo one more thing to bitch about. Traffic, on the way to school today, with a misting rain, traffic sucked. But I made it just in time to catch the tram that goes toward campus. I would have been in class about 5 minutes late...no biggie. However, Ms. I don't give a shit about my tram driving job, decides, at my stop, to take a 15min smoke break! So I'm stuck, in the rain, with no umbrella, while she goes to the smoking area and has a break and a soda...on the clock. So I was a half hour late to class and missed the handing back of assignments and the first 1/4 of power points. Sigh, it was a shitty day. But, lucky me, I have to do it all again tomorrow. I bid you all adieu.

Countdown

OMG School starts tomorrow. After a nice long 9 month hiatus from this lifestyle, I'm actually feeling more underprepared for school than I have in a long time. Wish I had a get rich quick scheme like those cool people on late night infomercials. Actually I was a bit worried today when I woke up, thinking about what I face the rest of the week. However, this all dissolved rather quickly when Tim and I got into a discussion about our birthdays.

Tim and I were talking about the possibility of getting a bird. I know of someone whos bird just laid eggs and mentioned this to Tim about a week ago. Today he asked "has she given the birds away yet?" I reply "No, they aren't even born yet" to which he says "Oh, the bird is still pregnant?" To this I laugh my ass off for a good 10 minutes and forget all about my worries for tomorrow. Ahh I feel better now.

Speaking about cute little creatures. Did anyone hear about the "save hugo" campaign? Apparently someone put a cute rabbit on ebay and threatened to kill it unless his reserve was met! I don't know how long ago this happened but OMG what a sadistic fuck. However, bet he made a lot of money. Wait I know what I'll do to get money and not go back to school! I think I shall put myself on ebay and offer up to cut off my pinky unless my reserve is met, and if it isn't I shall sue all ebay users for pain and suffering. There is my get rich quick plan! WHEN YOU DO IT EEEEEEEEEEEBAAAYYYYYYY. Te he.

IM BACK BITCHES

Guess whose back, back again....ME! Ha ha bet you thought I was gonna say Shady's back. But I didn't HA I pwned you there!
Ok so it is now t minus 5 days before I'm back in school again and it ahs been a good 3 months since I have posted on here! Yikes. Ok so my summer was a bit hectic what will moving and such. I could go into half of my summer on here but those of you who know me best (that would be you bitches reading this) probably already know most of the shit that's gone down. So the minor update. I work at the lowest place on earth and I moved to a different place in the same town...woot and such.
For my bit of wisdom this blog (heh right...wisdom) I shall share my entertaining customer story of the day. I shall say one word and one word only. SHOWER. If you plan on going out in public, this is a good thing to do. However, Mr. Greasy head, if you do not chose to do such a thing, please keep a 20 ft distance from the customer service desk. In fact go over to the paint desk, they are all supposedly gods over there so they can make things smell like roses or vegetable oil, or so I've heard. What you do not want to do sir is come up and apply for credit. This causes much discomfort among those of us who are not gods. Also, when you get accepted for this credit card, pay your bill, and take your bag, DO NOT hang around and talk for another 10 minutes...this could be time spent in the SHOWER.

OK, I did it! A blog! I shall now accept your praise.

Men and dingbats

Okay, I just read a quite insane blog produced by the one and only Chloe. No, I have never been asked such a question. I can however list the plethora (ok ok im not that hot, so handful) of oh so wonderful pickup lines that I have acquired while both married and un married. My dear husband knowing that I am typing this and wanting to gain my attention like some 4 year old has decided to continue saying off the wall things to keep me from finishing my typing. Hmmmm perhaps he has gained my attention. I think I will just start typing what he is saying to me:

white and glistening in utter glory like some oblique object that I should worship I then began to bow down and worship the glistening cock. Whilst I typed on the computer I contemplated which object to bludgeon my husband with it then occurred to me what a shame it was that we keep no shop cutlery in the computer desk. As I nonsensically pouded the 26 key rectangular piece of plastic I thought about the 10 monkeys they put in a room to see if they could produce a word by pounding on a keyboard. I like monkeys. I like them most of all because Of what we have in common. Monkeys and I. That's what you are typing isn't it. I KNOW IT. DID you hear the part about sharp cutlery? I knew you were typing that too. Thanks to my fantastic vision I can see that. Though I still lack creative genius. It was at this point I took out my nazi insignia and then branded it on my forehead. And say to my husband im a nazi im a nazi im a nazi nazi nazi. Of course my loving and adoring husband simply nodded his head and said "there there honey just don't beat me any more". Don't worry about it u nazi. after all this intensive typing I wondered if I should relax a little bit. Then all I could think about was his throbbing member. My black obis started to leak all over the computer chair. I looked over at my husband asleep and though about what naughty things I would do to him.

Wow I think he just shut up and gave up. Tee hee hee good thing I can type fast. Got most of it, I think. I hope you all enjoyed that. I personally would be vomiting up the majority of my stomach contents at the beginning and end part. Is it not amazing how the male mind always refers back to sex in a short period of time? Any way I suppose this has become a longer entry due to my dear husbands ranting of preschoolish nature. But here are some of my favorite pick up lines (that I have actually gotten)

Age 16-17:
A letter passed to me at work stating "do you like me circle yes or no" on 5 separate occasions. NO MATT THE ANSWER IS STILL NO.

....Tim now making growling and barking sounds to get attention..

17: "hey I'd really like to meet your parents" Mike if your reading this you are fucking creepy.

...whiny dog noises being emulated....

18: Guy who is with his GF openly asks me to go out with him IN FRONT OF HER. Pete, you are a douche.

...growling continues..... are you done honey?

"are you done honey. At this point with so much blood sweat and tears involved you could print it out, hang it on the wall, publish it, and we'd become millionaires.... "

Age 22
the 2 at the hospital.
"I like family guy a lot too! Maybe we could hang in my basement and watch it! Oh ...your married. Ill never do that. Gotta lay my seed after all! Huh huh huh." I don't even know this guys name

"Damn girl you walk with purpose...like you know what you are doing...I sure wish I could get someone that walks like that." don't know your name either but WTF. WALK?

Im sure there are more of these fun little pick up lines. None that involve what poor Chloe went through. And no matter what I do a fair share of people will talk to my chest. A lot more soon I assume as I am delving back into the world of retail and GOD FORBID, going back to Lowe's. Weeeeeeeee. The hubby has given up. HA HA I win and now, as you all can plainly see. Us females are soooo the superior sex. Muah ha ha ha.

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